Just Chilling

Tonight I am just taking it easy and relaxing.

I worked in the SMC chapel in the office today which left me feeling pretty satisfied. I am glad with what I got done. For a few months I had been thinking that the layout didn't really work and seemed to have problems. People seemed to get bottle necked and stuck by the door and you could never get to the things you needed to when you needed to.

So, with Carol's help and ideas, I moved a few desks and shelves and chairs. I really like it now. It's not completely done, and never will be, but tomorrow I am planning to go in and sort through some more papers as well as figure out what all we need for supplies and stuff. I need to figure out where I am going to put all the fabric that I use for decorating the communion table, but I have time. For now, I just want to get some more things sorted and put away.

It's nice being able to go in and just kind of have a familiar and comfortable space to myself. I go in, get a computer up and going and start playing my youtube favorites playlist. I have a few songs that I listen to everyday. I have discovered that I love songs with a good piano, drum and or guitar beat or pattern in the background. Absolutely love. I think it appeals to the simple, calmer, more natural part of me.

Well, I think I am going to go find something fattening and unhealthy to eat and keep watching Stepbrothers. So much for my original plan to go for a bike ride or walk. I want to go take pictures since Alma is so pretty in the summer. Maybe tomorrow, but probably not since I have to work in the afternoon.

Wednesday after work Jessica and I are going to the fair. I am pretty excited!

Well, I think that is it for now. I am trying to update this more often and even start posting pictures. So whether people find this and follow it or I just keep venting and baring my soul to the internet, it should be good.

Sometimes I get so frustrated

I have a lot of mixed feelings right now. Most of them stem from my job. I thought I would really like it, but not all the time. The job itself doesn’t really bother me, other than when IT and conferences don’t get a long, but I think we got past that. The biggest problem for me is my coworkers.

I have become aware of just how different I am from them. Ed and Karen and Kellee always have something negative. I hear them complain about how horrible the college is , how it is so cheap, the dorms are horrible, and how the food is so nasty and how school is so expensive, an Alma degree doesn’t mean anything, etc. And the profanity is very unnerving to me. I don’t swear so having coworkers, especially Ed, who thinks nothing of dropping the f bomb all the time bothers me. Today I told him while we were waiting for lunch that I had had enough of the language and he said he would say whatever he wanted. 

To me swearing is crude and undignified. It shows a lack of creativity, vocabulary and intelligence. It cheapens whatever point you are trying to get across and for me pretty much makes you lose whatever argument you were trying to convince me of. I also hate how Ed thinks he is right and knows so much about everything. He is like a more vulgar and crude 21 year old version of my uncle Daniel and I hate it. I can’t seem to say anything without him having to prove me wrong. I don’t want to just be meek and submissive, but I try to avoid anything that will lead to controversy. Conversations at meals are never things that I would want to talk about or have with friends or even ones that I bring up. Things like sex, how Christianity is wrong in so many ways, how horrible Alma is, why drugs should be legalized, alcohol, etc.

I like that I don’t have to cook, but the company at meals is to the point where I am almost ready to throw in the towel. Part of me wants to know if I am being unreasonable and should just give in, but no. I refuse to change my morals and my character to fit in with those around me even when I am the minority.

I guess my biggest problem is how whiny and complaining they are. They just seem so pessimistic all the time. They never have anything positive to say and can be mean and have no problems being mean to anyone they come in contact with. This is so different then how I am. I believe that if you are nice to people and honest with them, they will be nice to you.

Late night emotional rant

Tonight I feel unsettled. I have so many emotions and thought running through my head: guilt, sadness, longing, happiness, content. I woke up this morning late and missed church again. I really hate missing church in the morning. The Methodist church here in Alma is what I would consider my home church, and missing church is something that messes up my whole day. I decided to work on job applications for the summer, and spent over 2 hours looking for and applying for camp jobs online today. It left me feeling unsatisfied. I don’t feel optimistic about any of them, leaving me with no job for the summer, I really don’t want to go back and work at the same camp I did last year. So I was feeling kind of depressed and alone and decided to take a nap. Just when I was almost asleep, Meghan called and asked me to come to the art building so she could use power tools. I am glad I did. I haven’t been able to hang out with Meghan much this year and I miss her. We are similar in ways that I don’t share with other people. Our love of bagpipes, earthy things, art, and our conservative Christian backgrounds gives us a common link that is unique. I really enjoyed our time together.

At band set up and practice, there were multiple technology problems, which is always frustrating. We have had so many issues this year. The service went great though. I loved the music and we finally had a full band with full rich sound and lots of energy. I loved Katie’s sermon. I like the analogy with Finding Nemo.

Now, real world sets in. I have classes tomorrow; homework to do, applications due. I need to meet my placement teacher. I need to do my Wright Hall application. I am so anxious about Wright Hall. I want to live there, and I love my potential roommates, but I still have reservations. Sometimes they can be loud, and I generally just want a quiet relaxing place to call home. I don’t necessarily like having a lot of people coming through my living space and I am uncomfortable with having guys spend the night. Then I run into the question of “Is this what God wants for me?”

Right now I am really struggling with what God wants for and from me. Discernment is such a great theme for this month for chapel.

Sometimes I feel so alone. I want to be held, to know that I am loved. I have been so alone for so long and I am not sure how much longer I can handle it. I want to be able to have someone I can tell everything to who will love me, hug me, hold my hand when I need it. Someone I can give my heart to and be my best friend. Someone I can do the same for them. Someone who can protect me when I need it and let me be when I need space.

My heart aches for this. Sometimes it’s all I can think about. I look at other couples and while I am happy for them, I am jealous of what they have. I am 21 and have never been in a relationship, never kissed a boy.  I don’t know how to do this, how to be or initiate a relationship.  At the same time, I am so afraid of being hurt. I don’t want to ruin a friendship.

Sometimes I just want to cry. Let it all out.  So I do. I listen to music and have some alone time, read a book. After a little bit of me time, and maybe talking to a good friend, things are put back in perspective and get back to life.

Ash Wednesday

So today was Ash Wednesday. Believe it or not, I had never been to an Ash Wednesday service before tonight.
I intended to go this morning, but sleep won out.

 I really enjoyed the service tonight, if that's OK. I guess I haven't ever seen the stained glass windows back lit from outside; they are beautiful. Some of the songs I had never heard, but I sang them anyways. I liked the smaller crowd and dimmer lights and candlelight. When it came to the part of the service  for the imposition of ashes, I liked that Pastor Phil explained them: where they came from, what they symbolized. I was one of the first pews so I heard many repetitions of out of ashes you come and into ashes you return. Somehow it was almost comforting to hear. It certainly leveled the field. Everyone will die some day and return to the dust from whence we came. i noticed that each person had a large, distinct cross on their foreheads, unlike the smudges I had seen on most people in classes.

After the service, I had to go pick up some fruit at the grocery store. I kind of got some weird looks. It made me think about how most of the time, our faith is invisible, but for one day a year, we very clearly show to the world our faith. I thought that was interesting, but kind of backwards; we should always be showing our faith to those around us. I don't think we should all get tattoos of crosses on our foreheads, but maybe that we should be more concentrated in living out what we believe and showing it to others.

One other thing I noticed on the way to the store and all evening was the smell. The ashes had myrrh and frankincense mixed in them. Occasionally, I would get a whiff of a sweet and heavy yet comforting smell. I really liked it. I enjoy when worship incorporates as many of the senses as possible so I was glad to use smell which isn't something I usually experience in worship.


Now it's time for bed, and I begrudgingly have to wipe the ashes off my forehead. It was only for a few hours, but I think I got some important insight and motivation to make it to the service on campus next year.

In case you were wondering, I am not giving up sweets or anything like that for Lent. That doesn't seem like true sacrifice or effort to me. Instead, I am going to make a better effort to read my Bible and tithe. I am a broke college student, so instead of giving 10% of my money, I am going to tithe my time. Everyday I plan to spend 2 and a half hours devoted on God and my relationship and growing in faith.

Clay

Jeremiah 18:2-6 - "Go down to the potter's house, and there I will give you my message." So I went down to the potter's house, and I saw him working at the wheel. But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him. Then the word of the Lord came to me: "O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter does?" declares the Lord. "Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand, O house of Israel." (NIV)

Romans 9:20-21 - But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, "Why did you make me like this?" Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purposes and some for common use? (NIV)

Isaiah 64:8 (New International Version)

⁸ Yet, O LORD, you are our Father.
       We are the clay, you are the potter;
       we are all the work of your hand.

We are like that clay when it comes to being molded into what God wants us to be.

When you make a pot on the potter’s wheel, you wrap your hands around a lump of clay as it spins and begin to squeeze and mold in into center. One the lump of clay is centered, you focus your attention on opening it up, by plunging your thumbs slowly through the middle and then use balanced strength of your fingers to change the shape and direction of the clay, molding it into its final shape. While you are working, imperfections pop up. These imperfections are cut off and discarded, and the pot is reborn in another shape and pot.

In the same way a potter shapes a lump of clay, we are shaped by God. We begin as a useless lump, full of potential and possibilities. Once we center our lives on God, much the way the clay becomes centered on the wheel, God can begin to open us, to make us useful. This may hurt, much like when opening a pot, you plunge through the center. With the powerful guiding hands of God, we are molded and shaped into a unique vessel. Along the way, complications might arise that threaten to destroy everything. The master Potter skillfully cuts away the harmful parts and reshapes us into a vessel of worth.

This process is not easy. Often, we pray for the Lord to use us, we pray that we want our relatives and loved ones saved, and we pray that we can be more like Jesus. When the Lord answers our prayers and begins to shape us in a tool that can be used to reach the world, we are quick to yell, “Hands off! That hurts!” Only by trusting the hand of the potter and allowing him to shape our faith, our walk, our heart can we endure to become a beautiful work, shining brightly for God.

Moral:
God knows what He's doing (for all of us).
He is the Potter, and we are His clay.
He will mold us and make us,
so that we may be made into a flawless piece of work
to fulfill His good, pleasing, and perfect will.

“here LordweI am your clay and you are my Potter, mold us in to whom you want us to be in your eye’s, mold me the clay that had been crushed in many way’s but now is in your precious hands, take us into your hands and make us into the godly people that you want us to be in your precious eye’s, take us as we are and take control over our lives, mold us  precious Potter.”

Assumptions and Acceptance

You know what they say about assumptions don't you? Well, lately, I realized that I have been operating under a set of assumptions for a few parts of my life. 

I just assumed that I would find my prince, the perfect person and best friend for me to spend the rest of my life with. For some reason, I also just kind of assumed that I would get married shortly after college. My mother was married when she was 20 and my brother got married shortly after college, so that's basically all I ever saw. During a conversation with a good friend, I came to realize that that is not the only option. I am 21, and I am not entirely sure that I want to be married just yet. I have never been in any real kind of relationship.

One day towards the end of summer last year, I felt this incredible peace and knowing that God hadn't forgotten about me; that he did indeed have a plan for me and that it would happen soon, within the next year. That was about six months ago. Lately, and with a lot of prayer, I have come to understand and fully believe that there is someone for me and in God's timing, he will come into my life and be my partner. I have really been struggling with this all year, especially since it seems everyone here at Alma is either engaged or in a relationship. I think I am getting closer to the point where I can fully accept myself and be comfortable with myself as well as my relationship with God. I think this is an important prerequisite for an earthly relationship and partner. It is important that I be rooted in my faith before I reach out and expand my branches.

I have been reading the book, When God Writes your Love Story by Eric and Leslie Ludy. We started it last year in Naked Time and I never finished it and I still haven't, but I find such peace when I read it. I ache so much to be loved and to find my soul mate, but I know  and accept that with God it will happen.  I will find the person that is perfect for me and that I am perfect for all in God's time.

As I was typing this, the Relient K piano tribute of Be My Escape came on in itunes. Be my Escape is by far the most plated song on my itunes. It just seems to fit my life so well. Sometimes songs have way of expressing exactly what we want and can't. 

 Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way of knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
Cause I’m afraid that this complacency is something I can’t shake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

I fought You for so long
I should have let You in
Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin
But so were You
 

With acceptance comes this overwhelming peace. I think that sometimes God is just waiting on us to accept that he has things under control and to let go and then he can work in our lives.

For the past few weeks I have really been stressing over what I would do for housing next year. I had always just assumed that I would live in Wright Hall and that I would find a team without a problem. When I started asking around, I discovered that nearly everyone was already on a team or an RA. I worried that if I found a group of girls, we wouldn't have similar personalities, values or make a good enough team to make it.

I really stressed over this for a few weeks. When I was home this weekend, I finally just accepted the fact that I probably would not be living in Wright and would just apply for a single. I prayed and just left it up to God. I decided that a single would be fine since I will have student teaching and I don't think it would be very considerate to share a room when I will have a crazy schedule. Also, all my good friends are applying to live in Wright, or have roommates. Mine s currently in Wyoming, and I miss her. So, I just accepted that I would be living alone, away from my friends.

It's funny how God works isn't it? 

Monday I was approached and asked by two good friends if I would like to live in Wright Hall and be on their team. I said yes. Once I found out their 4th person for the team, I knew that God had truly been at work. So now we are just waiting to find out if our 4th person gets a position as an RA, but I feel so much more at peace. We also have backup plans if Wright Hall falls through.

I think sometimes we get so caught up on assumptions, that we can't really see what God's plans for us are. When we accept things and His will, that is when I believe he can truly act in our lives.

healing

I originally typed this about two weeks ago, but never posted it.

When we started January in chapel and the theme was healing, I thought it was an odd one, and wasn’t applicable to me. God know better. It has ended up being a month of healing for me revealed in ways that were unexpected; it’s funny how God does that.

After I donated blood last week, I ended up with a decent bruise. Over the last week, I have experienced healing in different ways even as the damage to my arm and physical body was healed.

This week for one of my education classes, we had the assignment of writing an autobiography. We were asked to write about what events in our life, high, low, and other that shaped us. Most people wrote about a teacher or experience from school; I didn’t. I really didn’t want to write the paper, because I knew what I needed to write about. I have a tendency to hold in my emotions and not be very open until something set them off and I explode. I know this isn’t the healthiest and I struggle with it. I have trouble letting people get close to me for fear that once they see the inside me, they won’t like me. I keep things pent up.

After prayer and much internal struggle, I sat down to write about my past. I can talk about family all day long, but I don’t like to talk about how it isn’t always the happy, loving family that they can be. I opened up about the split in the church and family when I was young and how it has left an impact on me to this day. How I saw my family and church tear each other apart. How I grew to resent and hate church and family, even life. Things I had never told anyone. Somehow I knew I needed to get it all out and this paper was a safe and un-judging environment for me. All the bitterness and resentment that I had held for a decade was poured out into the paper. I wrote about how I hated being the fat girl who only wore skirts. I was unable to make close friendships or play. I grew up and matured quickly, my body became that of an adult too soon.

Then something changed. I know it sounds ridiculous, but my dog Emily was the healing element in my life during my preteen and teen years and still is to this day. There are days when I come back to my dorm room and just long to be greeted by her energetic body waggling and her comforting presence. She loves me no matter what I do and can tell when I am having a bad day. There is something about having a warm and accepting friend. Emily was always there for me. I remember when my grandpa died. I went down to my room and cried. I came back upstairs and grabbed a leash and went for a walk with Emily. I remember sitting on the old Central hill with her and she just sat with me, young and energetic as she was. As I sat there and cried I began the healing process. Emily has always been there for me and to this day is my best friend. Sometimes the hardest part of leaving Vassar and heading back to Alma is leaving her.

Events in my life have made me who I am. I don’t like to open up and share my deep dark secrets. Being here at Alma has challenged that. I have become more confident with who I am. In the past few years, I have become more comfortable with myself and learned more about myself then I probably wanted to know. People think it is odd that I avoid conflict and that I will go to great lengths to peacefully resolve conflicts, but I know where it came from: my family and the conflicts I saw between people I loved as a young child. I never had worn or owned a pair of jeans until my freshman year in college. Even now, I don’t wear pants all that often; I simply feel more comfortable and normal in skirts and own more of them even though I have no problems with wearing pants. For a while I used them as a way to hide and not accept me for who I am. I am now a lot more accepting of my body; I still think I am fat and not pretty, but I realize that my friends love and accept me for who I am and see my inner beauty even if I don’t always recognize it. I am getting better at opening up.

This past week, the campus also experienced the pain of loss with Dr. Sheffert’s passing. I wrestled with duality of my giving blood to save lives and her dying, but after a few days, I looked at my bruise on the inside of my elbow and realized that the campus was healing. Services were held, students talked about her and began to move on. Life went on.

Sunday morning I went to church at the Methodist Church. For some reason I got out a pen and paper and took notes during Dr. Stratton’s sermon. The topic? Healing. It was just what I needed. I have done a lot of evaluating myself and wanting to change and grow, and I needed to hear what he had to say. Dr. Stratton spoke enthusiastically about healing with a few Star Wars references thrown in; after all, we don’t have lightsabers to cut through all our problems, we need God. I enjoyed hearing him speak; it reminded me of growing up and made me feel nostalgic. His fatherly, welcoming southern drawl made me think of growing up listening to Southern Gospel music and lines from several songs and hymns came into my mind throughout the whole sermon. His sermon was titled “Who’s in Trouble?” and it really got me thinking about my own relationship with God as well as how I deal with troubles.

When we are faced with troubles and problems, we often ask “why me?” Again with the egocentricity. But the question isn’t why; it’s who? We could only see ourselves, but what if for a moment we consider others? What if we considered someone else? What if we considered God? Psalm 27:1  says “The Lord is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid?” Later, in verse 8 it says,” My heart says of you, ‘seek his face!’ Your face, Lord, I will seek.” When we step back and consider that God is there, why do we worry about troubles? We have hope. Not the “I hope I get an A on this test” hope. The real biblical meaning of hope: to desire something with confident expectation of its fulfillment. There is no element of it not happening; it is going to happen. There is optimism that it will get better.

It’s not easy to have that kind of hope. It is a conscious decision. A decision to trust God. When we choose to trust God, trouble will be easier; we can begin to heal. You want a biblical example? There are lots. How about the blind beggar in Luke 18? He called to Jesus, “Jesus, son of David, have mercy on me!” Others told him to be quiet, but Jesus had the man brought to him. Jesus healed him, saying, “Receive your sight; your faith has healed you.” This blind man took hope in Jesus as the Messiah and in that confidence and decision and faith he was healed. Why should it be any different for us?

After church I went and walked at the Rec Center. It gave me time to myself with my thoughts. I was able to think through and sort through and resolve some of the loose ends and emotions of the past week. Did I figure everything out? No, but I felt much better afterward.

Sunday night at chapel, alumnus Clif Charles and the Voices of Thunder blessed us with their presence. The chapel band played as always, and we sang one of my favorite hymns: It is Well with my Soul. I love the visual imagery of sorrow as sea billows, peace like a river and the message that no matter what, God is there for us. When Voices of thunder got up to sing, one of their songs also made me think of the visual of water and the sea and the power it has to destroy as well as the power to heal and cleanse. Clif Charles spoke about healing as well, although I cannot remember a lot of details of his message. Chapel services for me emphasize song and prayer and that night was no exception. Voices of Thunder sang another song that stuck with me for a long time. They sang it last year when they came too. My Soul Has Been Anchored in the Lord. Their strong voices mirrored their steadfast belief that they are anchored in the Lord. Nothing was going to shake them they have full faith and hope in God.

Also at chapel, we had prayer of the world. I really enjoy these, because prayer is and always has been an important part of my spiritual life. Before praying about concerns and joys in the world, Joanna got up and said a few words about Dr. Sheffert. I am glad we acknowledged her passing in chapel with the Christian community on campus as well as the fact that it gave Joanna and other who had had her as a professor to heal and move on.

When I woke up this morning, I noticed that the bruise on my arm had healed completely. All that is left is a small red-ish spot where the needle was. I am glad that I donated blood a week ago. I am also glad that I got a bruise. Without it, I don’t think I would have seen what God wanted me to see this week. As my body healed, some emotional scars healed in my life, leaving me better off. The campus mourned and healed from a loss. What helped? A strong faith and hope in God. With faith and hope that God always heals and always redeems, we can trust that “All will be well and all will be well, and all manner of things shall be well.”