Late night emotional rant

Tonight I feel unsettled. I have so many emotions and thought running through my head: guilt, sadness, longing, happiness, content. I woke up this morning late and missed church again. I really hate missing church in the morning. The Methodist church here in Alma is what I would consider my home church, and missing church is something that messes up my whole day. I decided to work on job applications for the summer, and spent over 2 hours looking for and applying for camp jobs online today. It left me feeling unsatisfied. I don’t feel optimistic about any of them, leaving me with no job for the summer, I really don’t want to go back and work at the same camp I did last year. So I was feeling kind of depressed and alone and decided to take a nap. Just when I was almost asleep, Meghan called and asked me to come to the art building so she could use power tools. I am glad I did. I haven’t been able to hang out with Meghan much this year and I miss her. We are similar in ways that I don’t share with other people. Our love of bagpipes, earthy things, art, and our conservative Christian backgrounds gives us a common link that is unique. I really enjoyed our time together.

At band set up and practice, there were multiple technology problems, which is always frustrating. We have had so many issues this year. The service went great though. I loved the music and we finally had a full band with full rich sound and lots of energy. I loved Katie’s sermon. I like the analogy with Finding Nemo.

Now, real world sets in. I have classes tomorrow; homework to do, applications due. I need to meet my placement teacher. I need to do my Wright Hall application. I am so anxious about Wright Hall. I want to live there, and I love my potential roommates, but I still have reservations. Sometimes they can be loud, and I generally just want a quiet relaxing place to call home. I don’t necessarily like having a lot of people coming through my living space and I am uncomfortable with having guys spend the night. Then I run into the question of “Is this what God wants for me?”

Right now I am really struggling with what God wants for and from me. Discernment is such a great theme for this month for chapel.

Sometimes I feel so alone. I want to be held, to know that I am loved. I have been so alone for so long and I am not sure how much longer I can handle it. I want to be able to have someone I can tell everything to who will love me, hug me, hold my hand when I need it. Someone I can give my heart to and be my best friend. Someone I can do the same for them. Someone who can protect me when I need it and let me be when I need space.

My heart aches for this. Sometimes it’s all I can think about. I look at other couples and while I am happy for them, I am jealous of what they have. I am 21 and have never been in a relationship, never kissed a boy.  I don’t know how to do this, how to be or initiate a relationship.  At the same time, I am so afraid of being hurt. I don’t want to ruin a friendship.

Sometimes I just want to cry. Let it all out.  So I do. I listen to music and have some alone time, read a book. After a little bit of me time, and maybe talking to a good friend, things are put back in perspective and get back to life.

Ash Wednesday

So today was Ash Wednesday. Believe it or not, I had never been to an Ash Wednesday service before tonight.
I intended to go this morning, but sleep won out.

 I really enjoyed the service tonight, if that's OK. I guess I haven't ever seen the stained glass windows back lit from outside; they are beautiful. Some of the songs I had never heard, but I sang them anyways. I liked the smaller crowd and dimmer lights and candlelight. When it came to the part of the service  for the imposition of ashes, I liked that Pastor Phil explained them: where they came from, what they symbolized. I was one of the first pews so I heard many repetitions of out of ashes you come and into ashes you return. Somehow it was almost comforting to hear. It certainly leveled the field. Everyone will die some day and return to the dust from whence we came. i noticed that each person had a large, distinct cross on their foreheads, unlike the smudges I had seen on most people in classes.

After the service, I had to go pick up some fruit at the grocery store. I kind of got some weird looks. It made me think about how most of the time, our faith is invisible, but for one day a year, we very clearly show to the world our faith. I thought that was interesting, but kind of backwards; we should always be showing our faith to those around us. I don't think we should all get tattoos of crosses on our foreheads, but maybe that we should be more concentrated in living out what we believe and showing it to others.

One other thing I noticed on the way to the store and all evening was the smell. The ashes had myrrh and frankincense mixed in them. Occasionally, I would get a whiff of a sweet and heavy yet comforting smell. I really liked it. I enjoy when worship incorporates as many of the senses as possible so I was glad to use smell which isn't something I usually experience in worship.


Now it's time for bed, and I begrudgingly have to wipe the ashes off my forehead. It was only for a few hours, but I think I got some important insight and motivation to make it to the service on campus next year.

In case you were wondering, I am not giving up sweets or anything like that for Lent. That doesn't seem like true sacrifice or effort to me. Instead, I am going to make a better effort to read my Bible and tithe. I am a broke college student, so instead of giving 10% of my money, I am going to tithe my time. Everyday I plan to spend 2 and a half hours devoted on God and my relationship and growing in faith.