Tonight I feel unsettled. I have so many emotions and thought running through my head: guilt, sadness, longing, happiness, content. I woke up this morning late and missed church again. I really hate missing church in the morning. The Methodist church here in Alma is what I would consider my home church, and missing church is something that messes up my whole day. I decided to work on job applications for the summer, and spent over 2 hours looking for and applying for camp jobs online today. It left me feeling unsatisfied. I don’t feel optimistic about any of them, leaving me with no job for the summer, I really don’t want to go back and work at the same camp I did last year. So I was feeling kind of depressed and alone and decided to take a nap. Just when I was almost asleep, Meghan called and asked me to come to the art building so she could use power tools. I am glad I did. I haven’t been able to hang out with Meghan much this year and I miss her. We are similar in ways that I don’t share with other people. Our love of bagpipes, earthy things, art, and our conservative Christian backgrounds gives us a common link that is unique. I really enjoyed our time together.
At band set up and practice, there were multiple technology problems, which is always frustrating. We have had so many issues this year. The service went great though. I loved the music and we finally had a full band with full rich sound and lots of energy. I loved Katie’s sermon. I like the analogy with Finding Nemo.
Now, real world sets in. I have classes tomorrow; homework to do, applications due. I need to meet my placement teacher. I need to do my Wright Hall application. I am so anxious about Wright Hall. I want to live there, and I love my potential roommates, but I still have reservations. Sometimes they can be loud, and I generally just want a quiet relaxing place to call home. I don’t necessarily like having a lot of people coming through my living space and I am uncomfortable with having guys spend the night. Then I run into the question of “Is this what God wants for me?”
Right now I am really struggling with what God wants for and from me. Discernment is such a great theme for this month for chapel.
Sometimes I feel so alone. I want to be held, to know that I am loved. I have been so alone for so long and I am not sure how much longer I can handle it. I want to be able to have someone I can tell everything to who will love me, hug me, hold my hand when I need it. Someone I can give my heart to and be my best friend. Someone I can do the same for them. Someone who can protect me when I need it and let me be when I need space.
My heart aches for this. Sometimes it’s all I can think about. I look at other couples and while I am happy for them, I am jealous of what they have. I am 21 and have never been in a relationship, never kissed a boy. I don’t know how to do this, how to be or initiate a relationship. At the same time, I am so afraid of being hurt. I don’t want to ruin a friendship.
Sometimes I just want to cry. Let it all out. So I do. I listen to music and have some alone time, read a book. After a little bit of me time, and maybe talking to a good friend, things are put back in perspective and get back to life.
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