When we started January in chapel and the theme was healing, I thought it was an odd one, and wasn’t applicable to me. God know better. It has ended up being a month of healing for me revealed in ways that were unexpected; it’s funny how God does that.
After I donated blood last week, I ended up with a decent bruise. Over the last week, I have experienced healing in different ways even as the damage to my arm and physical body was healed.
This week for one of my education classes, we had the assignment of writing an autobiography. We were asked to write about what events in our life, high, low, and other that shaped us. Most people wrote about a teacher or experience from school; I didn’t. I really didn’t want to write the paper, because I knew what I needed to write about. I have a tendency to hold in my emotions and not be very open until something set them off and I explode. I know this isn’t the healthiest and I struggle with it. I have trouble letting people get close to me for fear that once they see the inside me, they won’t like me. I keep things pent up.
After prayer and much internal struggle, I sat down to write about my past. I can talk about family all day long, but I don’t like to talk about how it isn’t always the happy, loving family that they can be. I opened up about the split in the church and family when I was young and how it has left an impact on me to this day. How I saw my family and church tear each other apart. How I grew to resent and hate church and family, even life. Things I had never told anyone. Somehow I knew I needed to get it all out and this paper was a safe and un-judging environment for me. All the bitterness and resentment that I had held for a decade was poured out into the paper. I wrote about how I hated being the fat girl who only wore skirts. I was unable to make close friendships or play. I grew up and matured quickly, my body became that of an adult too soon.
Then something changed. I know it sounds ridiculous, but my dog Emily was the healing element in my life during my preteen and teen years and still is to this day. There are days when I come back to my dorm room and just long to be greeted by her energetic body waggling and her comforting presence. She loves me no matter what I do and can tell when I am having a bad day. There is something about having a warm and accepting friend. Emily was always there for me. I remember when my grandpa died. I went down to my room and cried. I came back upstairs and grabbed a leash and went for a walk with Emily. I remember sitting on the old Central hill with her and she just sat with me, young and energetic as she was. As I sat there and cried I began the healing process. Emily has always been there for me and to this day is my best friend. Sometimes the hardest part of leaving Vassar and heading back to Alma is leaving her.
Events in my life have made me who I am. I don’t like to open up and share my deep dark secrets. Being here at Alma has challenged that. I have become more confident with who I am. In the past few years, I have become more comfortable with myself and learned more about myself then I probably wanted to know. People think it is odd that I avoid conflict and that I will go to great lengths to peacefully resolve conflicts, but I know where it came from: my family and the conflicts I saw between people I loved as a young child. I never had worn or owned a pair of jeans until my freshman year in college. Even now, I don’t wear pants all that often; I simply feel more comfortable and normal in skirts and own more of them even though I have no problems with wearing pants. For a while I used them as a way to hide and not accept me for who I am. I am now a lot more accepting of my body; I still think I am fat and not pretty, but I realize that my friends love and accept me for who I am and see my inner beauty even if I don’t always recognize it. I am getting better at opening up.
This past week, the campus also experienced the pain of loss with Dr. Sheffert’s passing. I wrestled with duality of my giving blood to save lives and her dying, but after a few days, I looked at my bruise on the inside of my elbow and realized that the campus was healing. Services were held, students talked about her and began to move on. Life went on.
Sunday morning I went to church at the Methodist Church. For some reason I got out a pen and paper and took notes during Dr. Stratton’s sermon. The topic? Healing. It was just what I needed. I have done a lot of evaluating myself and wanting to change and grow, and I needed to hear what he had to say. Dr. Stratton spoke enthusiastically about healing with a few Star Wars references thrown in; after all, we don’t have lightsabers to cut through all our problems, we need God. I enjoyed hearing him speak; it reminded me of growing up and made me feel nostalgic. His fatherly, welcoming southern drawl made me think of growing up listening to Southern Gospel music and lines from several songs and hymns came into my mind throughout the whole sermon. His sermon was titled “Who’s in Trouble?” and it really got me thinking about my own relationship with God as well as how I deal with troubles.
When we are faced with troubles and problems, we often ask “why me?” Again with the egocentricity. But the question isn’t why; it’s who? We could only see ourselves, but what if for a moment we consider others? What if we considered someone else? What if we considered God? Psalm 27:1 says “The Lord is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid?” Later, in verse 8 it says,” My heart says of you, ‘seek his face!’ Your face, Lord, I will seek.” When we step back and consider that God is there, why do we worry about troubles? We have hope. Not the “I hope I get an A on this test” hope. The real biblical meaning of hope: to desire something with confident expectation of its fulfillment. There is no element of it not happening; it is going to happen. There is optimism that it will get better.
It’s not easy to have that kind of hope. It is a conscious decision. A decision to trust God. When we choose to trust God, trouble will be easier; we can begin to heal. You want a biblical example? There are lots. How about the blind beggar in Luke 18? He called to Jesus, “Jesus, son of David, have mercy on me!” Others told him to be quiet, but Jesus had the man brought to him. Jesus healed him, saying, “Receive your sight; your faith has healed you.” This blind man took hope in Jesus as the Messiah and in that confidence and decision and faith he was healed. Why should it be any different for us?
After church I went and walked at the Rec Center. It gave me time to myself with my thoughts. I was able to think through and sort through and resolve some of the loose ends and emotions of the past week. Did I figure everything out? No, but I felt much better afterward.
Sunday night at chapel, alumnus Clif Charles and the Voices of Thunder blessed us with their presence. The chapel band played as always, and we sang one of my favorite hymns: It is Well with my Soul. I love the visual imagery of sorrow as sea billows, peace like a river and the message that no matter what, God is there for us. When Voices of thunder got up to sing, one of their songs also made me think of the visual of water and the sea and the power it has to destroy as well as the power to heal and cleanse. Clif Charles spoke about healing as well, although I cannot remember a lot of details of his message. Chapel services for me emphasize song and prayer and that night was no exception. Voices of Thunder sang another song that stuck with me for a long time. They sang it last year when they came too. My Soul Has Been Anchored in the Lord. Their strong voices mirrored their steadfast belief that they are anchored in the Lord. Nothing was going to shake them they have full faith and hope in God.
Also at chapel, we had prayer of the world. I really enjoy these, because prayer is and always has been an important part of my spiritual life. Before praying about concerns and joys in the world, Joanna got up and said a few words about Dr. Sheffert. I am glad we acknowledged her passing in chapel with the Christian community on campus as well as the fact that it gave Joanna and other who had had her as a professor to heal and move on.
When I woke up this morning, I noticed that the bruise on my arm had healed completely. All that is left is a small red-ish spot where the needle was. I am glad that I donated blood a week ago. I am also glad that I got a bruise. Without it, I don’t think I would have seen what God wanted me to see this week. As my body healed, some emotional scars healed in my life, leaving me better off. The campus mourned and healed from a loss. What helped? A strong faith and hope in God. With faith and hope that God always heals and always redeems, we can trust that “All will be well and all will be well, and all manner of things shall be well.”
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